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Feature Article

Keeping Kids Safe Starts with Talking
By Meeta Sharma-Holt, MSW
February 1, 2010

As parents, we work hard to provide for the needs of our teenager. While you know that your teen needs to be allowed to make mistakes explore their world and begin to define themselves, you worry about what can happen if you let go too soon, if your child makes a dangerous mistake – one from which he or she may not recover. Mistakes in school, with boyfriends or girlfriends and mistakes with trying drugs and alcohol are all things that keep parents up at night, listening for the car to pull into the driveway. 

Most experts, like researchers at the Search Institute (www.searchinstitute.org), agree that in order for children and youth to reach their full potential, they need more positive and supportive aspects in their lives, to reach their full potential and resist negative influence. These "protective factors,” include things like:

• Safe neighborhoods;
• Stable families;
• Good teachers;
• Positive outlets;
• Good health;
• and adults they can trust and confide in.

Not all teens are using drugs and alcohol. But the facts say that if they do try substances, they can damage their brains and that they are trying substances at a younger age. And the law says that underage drinking and drug use is illegal. So how can we put more protective factors into place and prevent middle and high school aged youth from trying drugs and alcohol in the first place? Young people, especially teenagers that are beginning to test their independence. But when they are asked, they will tell you that they really value structure and guidance.   They want a way out – a way to say "No” to their friends who may be suggesting using drugs or alcohol.

Here is what those that work with drug abusers and youth say:

1. Talk and talk often - Talking really does work, though. In fact, the Family Support Center, a 20-year old prevention center in Bethesda, Maryland has developed an entire handbook for parents and educators called, "Talking Works.” It describes what to say, and how to say it, when handling difficult subjects. The booklet can be found on this website, but some simple tips provided are:
   • Start young. Research shows that the younger you begin talking about alcohol and other drugs, the less likely a child will be to initiate use.  4th and 5th grades are not too early.
   • Make sure you have time to really sit down and talk when there are no distractions or deadlines.
   • Use I/We statements:
     I/We love you. I/We want to make sure that you are happy and safe.  I/We want to make sure that you have the correct information about alcohol and other drugs.
2. Set ground rules - Young people are less likely to use tobacco, alcohol, and other drugs if their parents set clear rules about not doing so. If parents have not previously established rules around more basic activities of daily living, however, they will have little chance of getting their children to obey a rule about not using illegal and dangerous substances.
   
   Here are some rulemaking tips from the "Anti Drug” website (http://www.theantidrug.com/drug-information/commonly-abused-drugs/default.aspx):
   • Set clear rules and discuss in advance the consequences of breaking them. Don’t make empty threats or let the rule-breaker off the hook. Don’t impose harsh or unexpected new punishments.
   • The rules must be consistently enforced; every time a child breaks the rules the parent should enforce a punishment.
   • Punishments should involve mild, not severe, negative consequences. Overly severe punishments serve to undermine the quality of the parent-child relationship.
   • Set a curfew. And enforce it strictly. Be prepared to negotiate for special occasions.
   • Have kids check in at regular times when they’re away from home or school. Give them a phone card, change or even a pager with clear rules for using it. (e.g. When I beep you, I expect a call back within 15 minutes.
   • Call parents whose home is to be used for a party. On party night, don’t be afraid to stop in to say hello (and make sure that adult supervision is in place).
   • Make it easy to leave a party where drugs are being used. Discuss in advance how to signal you or another designated adult who will come to pick your child up the moment he or she feels uncomfortable. Later, be prepared to talk about what happened.

3. Teens who learn anti-drug messages at home are 42 % less likely to use drugs. Source: The anti drug.com

   Be clear about your values about drugs and alcohol – This means having conversations while they are young, in formal and informal ways, to explain how you feel about the dangers of drugs and alcohol. Talking like this may also mean you need to believe what you are saying.
4. Arm yourself with the facts. Go to trusted sources like this website  and the site listed in the "Resources Page.” These sites will tell more you that:
   • Marijuana is more widely used than parents think
   • Most teens get alcohol from an friend or relative
   • Alcohol and drugs affect the developing brain more than earlier realized
   • The use of prescription drugs, from household medicine cabinets is on the rise
5. Keep them busy – The hours between 3 and 6 pm are the times when older youth are most likely to experiment with drugs, alcohol and other anti-social behavior, when unsupervised.  If you cannot be there with them, make sure your child is doing something positive with a trusted adult around: sports, jobs, clubs, after-school programs or faith-based groups.
6. Be involved - Experts say that to create an environment that helps keep your children away from marijuana and other drugs, you should know more about who your children are spending time with and what is important to them. This involves getting involved in your child’s life by attending events, asking about their interests, or finding mutual hobbies.

The Anti-Drug website says, "Research shows that kids who are not regularly monitored by their parents are four times more likely to use drugs. Before going out, have them tell you WHO they are going to be spending time with, WHAT they will be doing, WHEN or what time they will be at their expected destination and finally, exactly WHERE they are going to be. Every once in a while, check on your teens to see if they’re where they said they would be. It’s not pestering, it’s parenting."

Preventing your children from the harmful effects of drugs and alcohol is not a one- time activity; it is a way of parenting from a young age. The most powerful tool is talking. Talking starts early,  must happen often and adults need the facts before they begin. Beyond talking, is involvement. Children needing positive things to do and parents need to know what their children are doing. This last part may feel intrusive and most teens will help you feel that way, but knowing the details of who your child’s friends are, where they are going and what is going on at the event can be important, even life saving, information.

This article is part of a monthly series that will assist parents to develop their confidence and help prevent youth alcohol and drug use. Stays tuned for more, or visit the resources, provided here.

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